Hedges feel pain say scientists

Every time you cut your hedge, you are committing a violent crime. That’s if we’re to believe a report published today by scientists in Los Angeles.

A group of pro-hedge campaigners told the Daily Chronicle, “We now have firm scientific evidence that hedges feel pain, so we should think twice before we trim them.”

Under laboratory conditions a common box hedge (Buxus sempervirens) was subjected to a variety of invasive procedures including chopping, trimming, pruning, and shaping.

A broad range of ultra high audio frequencies were sampled during testing, and it was found that throughout the experiment the hedge “was screaming as though it was being tortured to death.”

“It’s horrible to think that we are mistreating our hedges,” said a spokesperson for the Save a Hedge lobby at a press conference in Hampstead Garden Suburb in London. “It’s the responsibility of us all to protect these vulnerable and frequently abused life forms with whom we share the planet.

Trees feel pain as well, but this article is not about that.