An iceberg the size of Wales, which broke away from Antarctica this week, is to become a member state of the European Union.
EU president Jean-Claude Juncker, who took office in 2014, told us, “We’ve been looking for a replacement ever since the United Kingdom decided to leave Europe, and this massive slab of ice and snow appears to be the perfect candidate. We will be offering the iceberg a much better trade deal than the UK had in place, and it will certainly tick all the boxes when it comes to pissing off those bastards in Westminster.”
Satellite data confirms that the trillion-tonne, 5,800 sq km iceberg broke off an ice shelf on the Antarctic peninsula earlier this week. It’s now adrift in the Weddell Sea and seems to be heading towards Europe at a speed of around 25 knots.
A spokesperson for the iceberg told the Daily Chronicle, “There is very little economic growth in Antarctica and this breakaway will be a good thing for the future of both ourselves and the EU.”
Rumours that British Prime Minister Teresa May may be planning to send a ship to sink the iceberg are thought to be untrue, although Moscow reports that the Royal Navy’s new aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth has been spotted cruising towards the south Atlantic.