Queen punches Theresa May following UK election debacle

Observers at Buckingham Palace are reporting that Her Majesty the Queen “punched Theresa May in the face several times” during the pair’s brief post election audience this afternoon.

The meeting began as the PM, dressed in a striking blue suit and accompanied by her husband, “humbly apologised to the Queen” for the result of the General Election. “I’m deeply sorry,” Mrs May was heard to say, referring to the terrible mauling she and her party received during the polls. A dozen Tories lost their seats and the country was plunged into further chaos as the election ended in a hung parliament.

A spokesperson at the Palace later told the Daily Chronicle, “The Queen stared silently at Mrs May for what seemed like an eternity, before launching herself across the room and thumping the PM in the face seven or eight times.

“The Queen just kept screaming over and over again, “You f*cking idiot!” as she landed punch after punch on Mrs May’s nose, chin and upper lip. Three of Her Majesty’s ladies in waiting and two members of the Household Cavalry were forced to intervene, and dragged Mrs May to the safety of her car while fending off further blows from the monarch.

The Queen is 91.